E: Here's my books, miss.
F: Miss?
E: Excuse me, I'm deaf.
F: Huh?
E: Exactly. I would like to check out these books.
F: Why?
E: I want to read them.
F: So do a lot of other people.
E: Just let me check out these books.
F: Tomorrow.
E: No, today!
F: I'm busy.
E: Doing what? No one else is checking out books right now.
F: Because they're smart.
E: Come on, check out these books. Slight pause. Please!!
F: I don't believe in magic words and other hocus pocus.
E: Did I say a magic word?
F: You said please.
E: So what!!! Check out the books for Pete's sake.
F: Who's Pete?
E: Saint Peter...I don't know!!
F: Whose fault is that?
E: Come on, man.
He shoves the books into "F"
Check them out!
F: Don't you be shoving this books in my gut. I just had a hernia operation.
E: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
F: I apologize for lying.
E: Lying? For what??
F: That hernia thing. I never had one.
E: You will soon if you don't check out these books!!
F: Shh! This is a library.
E: Really?? Do they let people check out books?
F: They? Who are you talking about.
E: The librarians...You!!!
F: Yes, we let people check out books.
E: Good!
F: Not today though.
E: Why?
F: We're closed.
E: Then why am I in here?
F: How should I know? I'm the one who should be asking that question. Anyway, I apologize for lying again.
E: About the library being closed?
F: What?
E: Never mind. May I check out these books please.
F: looking at the clock Wait.
E: For what??
F: Until it's time to...check...out the--ah, ha! You can check them out now.
"E" hands "F" the books. "F" reads the first book: The Secret in Getting the Person of Your Dreams. Are you having some dating problems?
E: Don't get into my personal life. Just check out the books!
F: No! Not with that snotty attitude.
E: I'm sorry for yelling at you.
F: Not gonna work, sorry. I've had enough of your caterwauling attitude.
E: Caterwauling? What kind of word is that?
F: It's an adjective.
E: What does it mean, I mean.
F: You're mean all right.
E: What is the definition of that word you said before.
F: This is a library. Go find a dictionary yourself.
E: Only if you check out these books.
F: That's blackmail!
E: I wouldn't call it that...
F: I'm not going to conform to your evil ways.
E: I'm not evil.
F: Do you go to church?
E: Yes, every Sunday.
F: Which one?
E: St. Mary's.
F: So do I. I've never seen you there, though.
E: Interesting. Can you please check out these books?
F: Yes, I can.
E: May you please check out these books?
F: Book check-out time is over.
An old woman comes to the desk to get her books checked out. "F" checks out her books.
E: Look!
He points at her leaving.
F: What?
E: You just checked out her books.
F: So?
E: Why did you check out her books and not mine.
F: She's old! If you went to church, you would have learned that you should help out the elderly.
E: What about the needy?
F: Help them too.
E: Then I need for you to check out these books.
F: I think it's more of a matter of want.
E: This is the last time I'll ask you: Will you please check these books for me?
F: No!
E: Fine!
"E" begins to walk out of the library. As he walks out, "F" begins to check out his books. "E" comes back in.
F: Hello again!
E: You checked out my books.
F: You have a keen eye.
E: May I have them?
F: The librarians?
E: No, the books!
F: What books?
E: The books you checked out for me.
F: I didn't check out any books for you.
E: What are (He points to the books) those, then?
F: My books.
E: What???
F: I checked them out for me.
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