FUNERAL NOTICES
RELOFIDOWICZ - Funeral services for the late Gertrude Relofidowicz will be held on today at 4:00 pm at St. Lawrences Catholic Church with Reverend Howell Shoe officiating. Visitation is limited to only her immediate family because she was ugly. Burial will not take place until the coffinsmith stops his strike against his self-employed job. The burial is supposed to be in the Beardstown Municipal Cemetery. Gertrude is only survived by her great-grandmother Lola Relofidowicz.
HOGWASH - Funeral services for the late Gerald Podgess Hogwash of 9814 Loin Avenue, who passed away some odd years ago will finally be held tomorrow at midnight from the Pest Control Center Funeral Home. Since he had no friends and his relatives are occupied in the trial of the floor wax store arson, only Jack P. Gogleu is invited to kiss the carcass (a weird Hogwash tradition).
SERVICE AND REPAIRS
INCOME TAX - We will help you get your refund as quickly as possible. Computerized! Call Ron at 555-1745.
DEAD TREES - Do it yourself with a special tool. Call Marsha at 555-8812.
IN-GROUND POOLS - Too cold? Too deep? Glyn has the answers and equipment. Call him at 555-7000 (only before 9 AM).
SALAD SHOOTER REPAIR - All your Salad Shooter needs is some TLC from Tina Shogry at 555-4556. She knows!
PERSONALS
AGNES,
You're dead!
BAND - The Hogwash Family Band will play in your home, parties or no parties, for a price. Sorry, no phone. Write: PO Box 34, 68, 102, or 103.
CONGRATULATIONS BILLY HOGWASH
For breaking the family record of swindling 300 classmates to politely give their lunch money to you. Way to go! You have the knack.
THANK YOU
For letting me be myself again.
LOST AND FOUND
BOOT - Black boot, size 10 lost in the best fishing spot in Alcohol Pond. Phone 555-0973.
CAT - Lost in my house near the kitchen. Phone 555-4160.
KEYS - In shapes of naked people found near the Strip Stakes. Phone 1-900-555-7193 between 9 and 11 PM.
LICE - A whole family of lice found in my daughter's hair in lively condition. Phone 555-0943.
PLANET - A orange sphere lost near the Pegasus Constellation. Spotted two nights ago. If found call 555-7121. Big reward!
SOCK - Blue argyle left sock lost on Highway BR in the Beardstown area. Phone 555-2948.
ZIPPER - A rusty zipper from a Levi 580's pair of jeans found under a compost pile. Phone 555-0314.
HELP WANTED
ASSEMBLY WORK - Beardstown Gadgets Factory. Excellent pay. Reasonable hours. Apply in person. 300 Factory Street, Beardstown, IL. Phone 555-5050.
BOOKKEEPER - Nice-looking women still in her prime. Must like to obey orders from handsome boss. Paid on the spot. Pay larger than hours. Phone 555-6998.
AUTO MECHANIC - Must have a one syllable name. Very outgoing and ambitious. Pay starts small but rises suddenly to an undefined peak. Minimum 6 months experience and have a taste for foreign sports cars. Phone 555-1860.
CASHIER - Must know how to use calculators. The atmosphere is nice. Hours are nice and so is the pay and so are the customers and so are the holiday bonuses and so is the boss. Phone 555-4127.
CHILD CARE - Must like to legally punish children between ages of 6 mos. to 17 years old. The pay is more adorable than the baby. Number of hours correspond with the number of children. Phone 555-9843.
DELIVERY - Don't eat what you deliver because we deliver entire encyclopedia sets. 100 hours a week for $475. The van looks nice and the books are heavy. Phone 555-4309.
JANITOR - Nice job. Phone 555-4956.
PROSTITUTE - The city of Beardstown has no trollops and desperately needs at least one clean woman. Phone 555-7008.
WAITRESS - Must not be the above strumpet. The Restaurant Across the Street From McDonalds. Minimum wage for maximum fun. Apply in person. Phone 555-3296 for more information.
HOUSEHOLD GOODS
ANVIL - Heavy. $10. Phone 555-2859.
BED - Pillows, sheets, and quilt included. Mattress isn't. Does not squeak unless you more than 600 pounds are on it. $220. Phone 555-0644.
COAT HANGER - Sturdy and gray. Can hold up to 10 pounds. Entirely environment friendly. A dime. Phone 555-7286.
KNIFE - Used. Clean. 5 cents. Phone 555-0585.
LITTLE GIRL - Ugly and mean. What every parent wants. Pay $100 to her brother, Jimmy Roggins, at Adams Elementary School during school hours.
TABLE - With seven chairs and a recliner. Silverware and six glasses included. Wooden. Phone 555-6260.
TWO-CAR GARAGE - Dusty but efficient. Great home for spiders and mice. 900 cubic meters. 4567 Blood Drive, Beardstown, IL. Phone 555-6252.
VASE - A pretty vestige for $5,000,000. Phone 555-5234.
DOGS, CATS, PETS
CAT - Neutered male. Too affectionate for me. Likes canned food and milk. Hates adolescents. Meows a lot. Free only if a wonderful home is provided with love. Phone 555-0526.
DOG - Female. Barks at anything which moves left to right. Bites only young children. Likes to eat dog food and/or cats. $10. Phone 555-0406.
GOLDFISH - Sex undetermined of the eleven fish. They like to swim. Must live underwater in a suitable fish tank. Phone 555-5937.
UNFURNISHED APTS., FLATS
GROVE STREET, 7239 - 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen/dining room, 1 living room, $320 rent. Call 555-6505.
LICHEN ROAD, 6384 - 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, $450 a month including free access to laundromat below. Call 555-0947.
NARCOTICS BOULEVARD, 1111 - 1 bathroom, $100 a month including free toilet paper. Call 555-7254.
PENCIL AVENUE, 2789 - 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, 1 dining room, 1 living room, 8 closets, $560 a month plus free pest control services. Call 555-0485.
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